I can’t call myself “a lover not a fighter”, because I love to fight and I fight to love. Passion drives both the militant and humanitarian.

Love.

As I tiptoe to the edge of your mind pool
....I hesitate.
I look up at you as you smile at me with your beautiful face.
We take off all our clothes.
I am your student, fill my mind like a notebook page.
I am ready to learn what makes you tick.
What makes you move.
What makes you, YOU.
You jump in ahead & call out to me.
I dip my toe into your waters,
So warm, so inviting.
I jump into the shallow end
Splashing & laughing with you in the water, absorbing what I have learned.
I giggle at the fact that we have so much in common, even the same favorite color.
I walk closer to you, as you stand magestically in the middle of your pool.
Learning about your dreams, your inspirations, some of your thoughts.
You grab me & kiss me passionately, and I smile at the fact that you have let me in so fully.
You then grab my hand & pull me to the pool's edge, ready to leave.
I follow you until I realize,
I have not swam all the way thru your pool.
I tap you on the shoulder.
"Let me swim deeper!" I say.
"NO." 
Your stern commandment echos through my brain as the pool's water ripples in fear.
I pout my lips & cross my arms.
Does he underestimate me ?
I've swam thru pools way deeper than this,I am sure.
I turn around & start to doggie paddle back to the middle.
You jump in the water & scream for me to come back.
I look back at you as tears fill your eyes.
I start to wonder, what does he have in this pool that he does not want me to swim thru?
To explore?
I wipe your tears & kiss your eyelids.
"Its ok baby, I'm HERE."
You warn me that its too deep, I will not survive.
I kiss you softly & remind you that I'm your ride o' die bitch. Here till the end.
BONNIE & CLYDE.
You smile & bid me good luck as you step back to the edge.
...you tell me you love me.
My heart flutters.
I start to swim deeper, confident in myself.
I look back at you & wink, as you give me a feeble smile.
I swim thru the drama you've been in.
Fights, ex girlfriends, family feuds.
My heart goes out to you.
As I swim closer to the end, I start to see warning signs.
"TURN BACK" ; "DEEP WATERS"
"FOR YOUR SAFETY, PLS RETURN TO THE SHALLOW WATERS."
I start to get nervous, but I continue swimming,
Gliding thru your waters.
All of a sudden,
I'm yanked beneath the surface.
I hear you calling my name but my lungs are filling.
I can't scream back.
The waters turn red.
I shiver as I drown in your waters filled of your inner most thoughts.
Desires.
Dreams.
I splash & kick to get back to the surface.
This is too much, your too DEEP. 
ANGER, FRUSTRATION,HEARTACHE,DEATH,MURDER.
I can't take this, I can't take it.
....air.
I realize I have taken in a breath of fresh air.
I open my eyes as I see your face.
A beautiful face, wrought with pain.
You pull me out the pool & hand me a towel.
I dry you off as you dry me off.
I look into your eyes & caress your face.
I hold you in my arms & rock you back & forth.
Telling you it will be ok.
You ask me if I have swam too deep, if I was frightened.
I was scared as hell.
But as I look in his eyes ,I see the scared little boy peaking thru.
I take a deep breath.
"NO"
My powerful word echoed thru his pool , his mind.
I told him I was here to stay , me & you ..you & me .. we & us .
Period point blank.
We get up , holding hands as we walk in unison.
Maybe next time , we will swim thru those waters.
Together.

Real Life.

…So he asks, “If what I show you is not what you think is love, then what is it to truly love someone?”

- I think about how I would answer this question. My mind races with images from romantic movies, to cute quotes, to song lyrics. I’m not used to this. Me? I can always answer a question, one thing I pride myself on. But this? This topic of love? It has me stumped. What is it truly to love someone? To care about another’s well being? - No, that can’t be. Then I would love too many people in this world, & I don’t think my heart could hold them all. Is it to lay my life down on the line for someone else? Saying someone else’s name ten more times than mine? To give myself completely to someone without restraint? To accept someone fully, despite their flaws & insecurities? What is it? What is the answer?

Bending my head down in my lap, I wring my hands together & mumble, 

“I honestly don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever truly been in love.” 

Unfinished Love Letters Pt. 2

Today, I thought about you, its been a while.

The thought I had was, me realizing that I hadn't thought about you in a while. 

It brought me peace. 

Realizing that today? 

I feel completely indifferent about you.

They say that the opposite of love is hate, I beg to differ. If I were to hate you, that would mean that you still hold some type of emotional hold on me....& that is not true.

I'm over you.

After clearing out the fog my love for you left behind, I see you for who you really are. 

You're a coward.

I see a man, who is so afraid to lose love, that he would rather not love at all. A man who sees affection as a sign of weakness. A man who sees love right infront of him but is afraid to reach out to it.

Theres nothing manly about that. 

You're weakness cripples you.

I wanted to love you.

 I begged you to let me love you.

 You would have been safe in my love,she wouldn't have hurt you.

 You should have trusted in my ability to heal you.

But you won't. Instead, you would rather live in fear. 

How could I have allowed myself to fall in love with a coward?

How could I allow myself to be treated like anything less than what I deserve?

Why did I allow myself to give so much to someone who refuses to give back? 

Today? I woke up missing the old you.

…Then I remembered that the “you” I thought I knew was just a shadow of who you really were.

So I rolled over & went back to sleep. 

Part I of the Unfinished Love Letters.

Hey You.

You've hurt me. & as much as I play it off, I'm NOT over it, & I still haven't forgiven you. 

-sighs-

The peace that comes from that statement is surprisingly refreshing. 

Can you imagine the toll that months & months of holding on to pride and dignity, convincing yourself that you’re invincible, hiding behind your “I don’t cares” & your denial, reassuring yourself that you’re fine, & constantly rebuilding your heart’s fortress can take on someone?

But fuck it, I can be a woman about it. 

You’ve hurt me.

You’ve hurt me.

You’ve hurt me.

You’ve hurt me.

YOU’VE HURT ME & I'M STILL HURT. 

Part of me wants to hate you, but the realization that I will STILL be lying to myself hits me.

How can I sit here and have the nerve to say I love you when I can’t even love myself enough to admit and accept the truth?

“If you really cared about him, you would tell him he hurt you.” My cousin said.

The question is, do I care about you that much to break down & admit it?

....My stubborn pride. 

Or is this love thing real to me? They say that you should put aside your pride for the one you love. How do I even know that I love you? Maybe I'm just in lust, in like, in something other than this love shit. Have I been lying to myself for so long, that I don’t even know the truth about how I feel anymore? Have I convinced myself that what I'm feeling for you is more than it really was? 

-sighs- I hate when I do this. Constantly question everything, even when I already know the truth.

No, I do love you, because your beautiful face is the only one that comes to mind when I think about tearing off this mask and revealing the layers upon layers upon layers that is me. 

I do get hurt, babe. I do cry. I do feel pain. As much as I love to differ, I have emotions too...

...It's just not my character to embrace them.

Will I ever be brave enough to forgive you, to let you in, & let you love me right?

...to be continued.